Monday, October 1, 2007

what goes in must come out

i was out earlier tonight,
i didnt really want to be at home, to be honest i really dont want to be anywhere right now...

on saturday this woman comes into work and i swear my breath catches in my throat.

and for a moment i thought it was her, i had to check the tattoos to make sure it wasnt.

if she had a sister this woman would have been her.

and last night...

this is what i wrote earlier tonight when i was trying to draw:

this place is making me feel old tonight. it would be one thing id those years spent had yielded anything as far as my present is concerned. but as it stands, i had those years, i had everything that i ever wanted, i had her. really thats all i ever wanted, to be with her, and now shes gone, and that future with her and i have nothing.

nothing but unwanted memories of being happier that i have been since.

and then again i might be idealizing my past, old people tend to do that.

and i so wish that i was done with this, with her, these feelings that i cant seem to get over. oh i think i have, i think that ive moved on but something always seems to come up to remind me of her and the dreams begin again.

she wasnt always that nice, or compassionate, or really even all that beautiful, at least not in the classical sense,but for whatever reason i think that she was the one that i was meant to be with.

in retrospect i have never carried around feelings for someone as long as i have for her.

so the dreams, when i dream of her, i guess that they are more nightmares than anything else, i wake up sweating and on the verge of tears, half-remembered images of what happened.

and knowing that i had had her and then lost her all over again.

and its been so long now that i know the woman im hung up on, that i cant seem to let go of doesnt even exist anymore, that she has chanced and become a different person than i remember.

that and i can barely remember her face anymore.

the only thing that i can remember are smell of her hair, the taste of her lips and the blues of her eyes.

what goes into who i am must come out, and here i am again... still

original blue pencil sketch
sketch i did of her years ago, before we got back together